I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
