I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
