you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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