You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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