Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
