ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He better not be in your backpack
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
