Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
