What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
