We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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