I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
