I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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