I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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