So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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Sorry about my life...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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