wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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