Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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