My nipple is on Facebook.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
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If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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