I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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