Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
where are you?
Hypothermia
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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