After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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