Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
