i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
