There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
