I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
