Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
