i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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