i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
