how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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