he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
