I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
