I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
