She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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