No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
