halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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