If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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