People in love make me want to vomit
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
