I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
