You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Someone shit on the floor
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
