i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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