you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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