o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
