if you like me you must not know who I am
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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