I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.