If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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