Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
