dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
