Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
