Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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