we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
