Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
