At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
