There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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