nut hugger
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
