well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
