if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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