just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
