if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
