need another drink. this is the easiest way
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
