True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
